First... The SEC Georgia: Homer Simpson Like Homer, the Dawgs are a good-hearted bunch who aren't always the most socially acceptable people in any given group, but they mean well. Ever since Vince Dooley surrendered the job of head coach, they've been hoping someone will call them "sir" without adding "you're making a scene," and though season after season seems to have been set up for breakthrough success in recent years, they still manage to trip over something along the way. Which usually has something to do with . . . Florida: Bart Simpson Flippant, cocky, some dare call them "assholes," but they're the kind of guys who, even when they're not completely on their game -- which pretty much describes Florida ever since Spurrier left -- are still good enough to be envied by 90% of everyone else. Despite whatever shortcomings they may have, they're still a constant thorn in pretty much everyone else's side. Both are also frequently seen in blue shorts of some kind. And both have consistently managed to get the better of . . . Tennessee: Sideshow Bob Both Sideshow Bob and Big Orange Nation are convinced of their own superiority, though there's not much backing either of them up these days. Sideshow Bob has been spending most of his time in jail, while the Vols have been sucking wind on a 5-6 season (and spending a lot of time in jail, now that I think about it). Two of the most easily dislikeable characters in their respective neighborhoods. South Carolina: Edna Krabappel Like Edna, the Gamecocks have gone a long time with very little to celebrate, and they've gotten used to crushing disappointment. Yet there's that kinda-sexy, kinda-trashy thing about both of them that tell you she could be really hot if only the right guy with the initials SS -- be it Seymour Skinner or Steve Spurrier -- came along. Vanderbilt: Lisa Simpson A lone voice of reason and intellect in a 'hood that is otherwise completely insane. She rarely garners much attention for her exploits, but yeah, she is gonna be your boss one day. Kentucky: Ralphie Wiggum Utterly, completely, laughably dysfunctional, and just as utterly, completely, laughably unaware of this situation (unless the UK administration honestly believes Rich Brooks is their ticket to the big-time). And now the 'Cats have to deal with NCAA sanctions on top of that. "You'll wear 'em until you learn, son." LSU: Nelson Muntz The schoolyard bully, LSU would just as soon kick your ass as look at you, and then laugh about it. Yet there's deep dysfunction lurking within that's always the chink in the armor. Residual anger over a deadbeat dad? Turnover issues? An inexplicable fourth-quarter collapse to Tennessee? An equally inexplicable crush on Lisa? Yeah, they're scary, but that doesn't make them invincible. Very complex characters both. Alabama: Moe Szyslak The crankiest, most dyspeptic fan base in all of college football, and the biggest complainers. Win or lose, there's something to fume about, usually a perceived lack of respect from everyone else. While Moe/Alabama is absolutely convinced that everyone else sucks, though, they also suffer from some deep-seated self-loathing. Yes, Alabama, you went 3-8 not that long ago. Yes, you got jilted by Dennis Franchione. But you're still better than dirt. Well, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. You can't compete with that stuff. Auburn: Marge Simpson Just as Marge has a long history with Homer, so does Auburn have a long history with Georgia; the Tigers and Dawgs have been inexorably linked ever since they played the Southeast's first college football game in Piedmont Park more than a century ago. They spar on a regular basis, and while Marge/Auburn frequently gets the better of her counterpart, she still feels underappreciated for her exploits. Every once in a while, this simmering resentment comes boiling to the surface, but Marge usually just solves this with a weekend at Rancho Relaxo. Auburn, regrettably, lunges for the fire hose. Ole Miss and Mississippi State: Lenny and Carl, respectively Perpetual sidekicks, occasionally good for a laugh, but they're almost certain to never make their way into the limelight. However, the Rebels and Bulldogs have a grand total of one appearance in the SEC championship game. Even Lenny and Carl can count on at least a little screen time in each episode. Arkansas: Groundskeeper Willie A loner, an outsider, a funny-talkin' sort who comes off as just plain weird to most other people. Yet there's just something indescribably dangerous about them that can be counted on to rear its ugly head every once in a while.
And now for other teams of interest on this board Keep in mind... These were not made up by me. I stole them from someone that stole them from someone that ... Southern Cal: Fat Tony DeMico He is the Godfather, the man with the plan, the man pulling the strings. And if you've turned on ESPN in the last five months, you know there's absolutely no escaping his clutches. Notre Dame: Montgomery Burns Been around since the beginning of time; the amount of money and power he controls is massive, absurd, and quite frankly, a little scary. The kind of guy everyone in town loves to hate -- but they'd switch places with him in half a second. Texas: Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby Powerful, attention-getting, glamorous, yet always in danger of being brought low by its unshakeable vices -- e.g. money, poontang, losing to Oklahoma. Miami: Snake A straight-up thug and proud of it. If you don't fear him, you're a fool; if you don't dislike him, you're just a dick. Ohio State: Drederick Tatum Thugs. They may wear nice outfits, but they're still thugs. Michigan: Kent Brockman Huge television draws both, and because of that, you just can't quite get away from either the Wolverines or Brockman; they demand your attention. Yet neither is quite as relevant as they think. At least three losses in six straight seasons? Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers. Texas A&M: Disco Stu Once upon a time, both Stu and TAMU were forces to be reckoned with. Now they are sad shells of their former selves, regarded mostly with head-shaking derision. Penn State: Abe Simpson Old school. Older-than-old school. At times they almost make you worry they're losing it, but even then they demand your respect. After all, have you won 357 D-IA games or fought with the Flying Hellfish in WWII? No? Then STFU, whippersnapper! (Came up with this independent of commenters, but since corroborated by numerous people.) UCLA: Troy McClure "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such recent embarrassing bowl losses as the 2004 Las Vegas Bowl or the 2003 Silicon Valley Classic." Straight-up Hollywood, still a headline-maker, but the celebrity sheen masks a distinct lack of substance -- McClure can't really act, while the Bruins can't really play any defense. In severe danger of being superseded by newer, hotter stars, such as . . . Washington and Washington State: Patty and Selma Bouvier Washington chose celibacy by hiring Ty Willingham, Washington State had celibacy thrust upon it by being located out in the middle of f#@!ing nowhere. They may have been hot once, but while they may pop up and do something amazing every once in a while -- Wazzou by sneaking into a Rose Bowl, Selma by somehow marrying Krusty or Troy McClure -- life is pretty sad and barren for them at the moment. Arizona State: Duffman They always burst onto the scene with great fanfare, a lot of flash, and usually surrounded by a bevy of insanely hot women. Yet when all is said and done, they're usually exposed as just a bunch of drunks. (Suggested by Mike G.) Nebraska: Lionel Hutz "This switch from an option attack to a West Coast offense might be just what I need to revive my flagging football program. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?" West Virginia: Cletus Their hillbilly steez leaves them vulnerable to a lot of redneck/inbreeding jokes, but they're crazy like a fox, so don't mess with them unless you're prepared to see some serious damage left in their wake -- just ask the Bulldogs. (Browbeaten into this by literally dozens of commenters.) Purdue: Dr. Julius Hibbert Jolly sorts who seem to be able to weather any kind of tragedy -- losing a patient, stumbling through a 5-6 season -- with an "Oh well, we'll get 'em next time" kind of attitude. While this outlook might be sunny and carefree, however, they're eventually going to have to get on the stick and start taking things seriously if they ever want to advance. (Of course, as Kansas State and Nick Riviera have demonstrated, things could certainly be a lot worse.) California: Dr. Marvin Monroe Touchy-feely approach seems to be just the ticket on paper, and has been hailed by countless trend-followers looking for the Next Big Thing -- yet nobody who's been through this program, be it one of the Simpsons or Kyle Boller, seems to have improved all that much.
Pretty funny Tom, and I have to admit the description of Bart Simpson and Florida is pretty good. Some accuracy.