An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer was excellent and the food was exceptional. "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much so that when you buy 4 drinks, he'll buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." "Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister." :lol:
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paddy readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paddy. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paddy shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
One night after many pints at the pub, Seamus decided he'd best be getting home, lest he be lectured by his wife. As he climbed off his stool he fell flat on his face. He tried to get up, but he was so sotted he couldn't stand. After several attempts he finally gave up and crawled the few short blocks home and into bed. Late the next morning he was wakened by his wife screaming at him, "Seamus you no-good drunk, you were out last night boozing it up!" "How do you know?", asked Seamus bleerily. "Because the pub called and you left your wheelchair there again!", replied his wife.