Widow hires a Gay Cowboy A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room he himself a bit tipsy and lonely, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks" He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." (P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)
College Football Recruiting: Pittsburgh Signs Kicker With Unfortunate Name http://www.rantsports.com/lacesout/2012/07/03/college-football-recruiting-pittsburgh-signs-kicker-with-unfortunate-name/
Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty! A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help me." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golfing lessons instead!" He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.
Rated "R" because Joe Pesci is doing the talking <r><iframe width="640" height="360" src="<URL url="http://www.youtube.com/embed/E84VqqCPI7w?feature=player_detailpage"><LINK_TEXT text="http://www.youtube.com/embed/E84VqqCPI7 ... detailpage">http://www.youtube.com/embed/E84VqqCPI7w?feature=player_detailpage</LINK_TEXT></URL>" frameborder="0"></iframe></r>
CFB Jokes What is funnier than a few, good natured college football jokes? Well....probably a lot of things. Anyway, we thought we would post a few college football jokes here for your reading pleasure. If you have a good college football joke you wish to share, feel free to pass it along at artificialturf2003@yahoo.com. What do two quarters at the bottom of a toilet and an Ohio State cheerleader have in common? Everyone sees them but no one picks them up. (Submitted by Nick Gentry) Why do Nebraska football players like smart women? Opposites attract. Why was O.J. trying to escape to Knoxville, Tennessee? Police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there. Why was O.J. considering moving to West Virginia? Everyone’s DNA there is the same. How come Ohio State football players won’t drive a Japanese car? They don’t think they’ll understand what’s said on the radio. Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday and wear it to pick up trash on Monday. How do you get a former Ohio State football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, “I want to hear Rocky Top one last time.” The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, shoot me first!” A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, “So, I bet you’re a Texas fan.” The first man says enthusiastically, “Why yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?” The second fellow says, “No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.” A man is watching the Notre Dame-Navy game on television at a bar with his dog. Navy kicks a field goal and the dog starts barking. A bit later, the Midshipmen score a touchdown and the dog barks like crazy. Another man says to the dog’s owner, “Wow, your dog must love Navy. What does he do when Navy beats Notre Dame?” To which the dog’s owner replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him 11 years.” (*note...unfortunately, this joke doesn't apply anymore.) A scrawny man at a bar in Columbus says to the guy sitting next to him, “Hey, you want to hear a really funny Ohio State joke?” The guy replies, “Hey buddy. See the bartender? He played at Ohio State. See those two huge guys to your left? They played at Ohio State. See that group of big guys over at that table? All Ohio State football players. Look at me. I’m 6’4, 235 and played at Ohio State. Now are you sure you want to tell me your joke?” The scrawny man says, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain and repeat it 5 times.” How can you spot a Tennessee fan at a wedding? Just look for the guy in the orange T-shirt. What does the average Florida State player get on his SAT’s? Drool. How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck. How many Pitt football players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. And they each get three credits. Steve Spurrier comes into the locker room before practice and says to his star receiver, "You’re failing math. If you don’t want to become academically ineligible you’ll have to answer these math questions correctly." The star receiver agrees and Spurrier asks him "What does 4 plus 4 equal?” "Eleven” says the athlete. The rest of the team pleads, “give him another chance! give him another chance!” Spurrier then asks, "What does 2 plus 2 equal?" and the receiver says "Four". The rest of the team yells give him another chance! give him another chance!” How many Florida freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a sophomore course. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth. Why is Nebraska’s football field artificial turf and not real grass? So the cheerleaders won’t graze. What are the longest three years of a Florida State football player’s life? Freshman year. Alabama football coach Nick Saban asked the freshman walk-on hopeful if he could tackle. The kid said, “Yes sir coach, I can tackle.” The coach then asked, “Well, can you run?” The kid said, “Yes sir coach, I can run very fast.” Saban then said, “Can you pass a football?” The kid thought for a second and said, “Well coach, if I can swallow it I can probably pass it.” If you are driving and see a Miami football player riding a bicycle, why should you take great care in not hitting him? It could be your bike. You are stuck in a cave with an angry grizzly bear, a mountain lion and a Texas A&M fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the Aggie fan….twice. What do you get if you see an Ohio State fan buried up to his neck in sand? More sand. A man asks his friend, “Did you hear about the 22 year old babe who married the 93 year old Alabama booster? It was a football wedding.” The friend says, “A football wedding?” “Yeah, she’s waiting for him to kick off.” The Notre Dame fan was complaining to his friend about his wife. He said, “My wife thinks I put the Fighting Irish ahead of our marriage. I disagree. We just celebrated our fourth season together.” How come football isn’t a religion this season in the SEC? It was put on probation. What do you call 20 Ohio State fans laying on the lawn? Fertilizer. A University of Texas football player walks into the doctors office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on top of his head. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?” The frog replies, “Can you take this wart off my butt?” How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room? Grease her hips and push. Why do Mississippi State football players put their diplomas on the dashboard? So they can park in a handicapped spot. Why do Michigan State football players go to movies in groups of 18 or more? 17 and under not admitted. What is the most common phrase used by a former Colorado football player? Would you like fries with that? What do you call a genius sitting in the Arkansas student section? Visitor. A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, “Here lies a Florida State graduate and an honest man.” The boy then asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?” Why did they build a new automobile factory near Oklahoma State? Because of the endless supply of crash test dummies down the street. How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him. Did you hear about the Florida State kicker who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage? He missed. What’s the difference between a litter of puppies and Steve Spurrier? Puppies stop whining after 8 weeks. Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.” The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?” How do you keep a Colorado football player out of your yard? Put up a goalpost. How can you tell the female student who is a college football fan from the north from the female student who is a college football fan from the south? The female student from the north is a physics major who understands Sylvia Plath. The female student from the south is a Miss USA contestant and understands the west coast offense. A Clemson football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horse back riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. A Southern Cal football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 3 months. One girl said, “Three months? You’re proud of that?” The Trojan said, “Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years.” What do Penn State football players call the elderly? Coach. What do you say to an Ohio State football player dressed in a three piece suit? Will the defendant please rise. What’s the difference between a Pitt cheerleader and an elephant? A couple of hundred pounds. When do Florida State players NOT run up the score? When they are taking their SAT’s. How can you tell when its homecoming weekend at Iowa? The cheerleaders have braided their armpit hair. What do you get when you drag a $1,000 bill through a housing project? A Miami football signee. A man inherited over one billion dollars from a long lost uncle who happened to be an oil baron. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted. He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the University of Colorado. What do you call an Auburn football player with a National Championship ring? Thief. What do you call a 200 pound Michigan State cheerleader? Anorexic. If three Florida State football players are in a car, who is driving? The police officer. How come female college football fans in the south don’t carry wallets? That’s what dates are for. Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan. As they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie’s lamp. “Who disturbs me?” asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd both say they did. “You will each get one wish,” said the genie. Jim offers to go first. “I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Ohio so that none of those stupid Michiganders can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!” The genie grants the wish to Jim and his is instantly whisked away to his new paradise. The genie now tells Lloyd he’ll grant him one wish. Lloyd says, “Fill it with water.” An Alabama fan was driving down a desolate road late one night and gets into a collision with an Auburn fan driving in the opposite direction. Both cars are totaled but amazingly, both men survive. The Bama fan looks at the Auburn fan and says, “You know, we should both be dead. I think this is God’s way of saying that we should put our petty differences aside and be friends.” The Auburn fan agrees. The Alabama fan then pops open his trunk and says, “Look at this bottle of Jack Daniels. Not even broken. I think this is another sign God wants us to get along.” The Auburn fan agrees and says, “Lets have a toast,” and starts chugging the whiskey. The Auburn fan drinks half the bottle and says to the Bama fan, “Ok, your turn buddy,” and offers the bottle back to him. The Bama fan says, “No thanks. I’ll just wait for the cops to show up.”
:lol: :lol: :lol: he is trying to avoid cleaning out his office and old file cabinets he starts school next week..... He has been avoiding the task...