A lawyer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. There's a marching band, dancers, fireworks, general celebration. Everyone is there applauding. The lawyer is confused and asks Saint Peter what was up. Saint Peter explains that it's not every day they get someone who lived to the age of 281 years. The lawyer is even more confused... "But I'm only 74." The crowd goes silent, the dancers stand still... Saint Peter checks the records... "Oh, I see our mistake. We counted your billed hours" _____________________________________________________________ Sometime in the future, it becomes possible to transplant brains, so, like other organs, organ donors may provide for the harvesting of their brains after their death. A potential customer walks into the brain transplant clinic and inquires about a brain transplant. It is explained to him that while the operation costs a fixed fee, brains are sold by the ounce, and the cost for an ounce of brain varies according to the profession of the donor. “Let me give you some examples,” the salesman says. “Brains of fast food workers sell for $200 per ounce. Brains of high school teachers sell for $500 per ounce. Engineers’ brains sell for $1000 per ounce, the brain of a family physician sells for $2000 per ounce, and the brain of a heart surgeon sells for $4000 per ounce. “What about the brain of a lawyer?” asks the customer. “Lawyers’ brains sell for $20,000 per ounce,” says the salesman. “$20,000 per ounce!” exclaims the customer. “That’s crazy! Why does a lawyer’s brain cost five times as much as a heart surgeon’s?” “Look, Mac, do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brain?” ___________________________________________________________ An engineer dies and he goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. He discovers the air conditioning has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it and things cool down quickly. He then finds that the moving walkway motor has jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV image was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish and now everyone can get hundreds of high def channels. One day God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. So he asks the Devil, "Hey, what's up with the smiling faces?" The Devil tells him, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer". "What?" says God, "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake, send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way, we want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you do not send him up to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" ____________________________________________________________o
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?
Late breaking story from ESPN Sportscenter.......... Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City. The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell "Jesus Christ!" at the same time. More information will be reported as this story is followed.
I can't believe so many jokes about a noble profession. It's too bad that 95% of lawyers soil the reputation of the whole profession. :roll:
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