I hereby grant all you non Irish heathens temporary Irish heritage for just this day!! Use it carefully for good only!!
An Irish Priest is driving down to Chicago and gets stopped for speeding in Wisconsin. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Good stuff TOK....God Bless the Irish! On a similar note, here is a true story.... Recently I played in a charity poker event hosted by a Catholic church in their fellowship hall. The format was one price, all you can drink and eat and admission to the tournament. Prior to the start the priest entered the hall to give a blessing and in a loud voice said, "I understand that there will be gambling here this evening?"....one of the organizers said, that's true Father but we will be drinking alcohol also.....to which the Priest responded, "...in that case, may God bless you. Carry on....!" True story, as God is my witness, one of the funniest moments I can ever recall.....
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." ƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒ Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." ƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒ Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" ƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒ Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" ƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒ Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." ƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒƒÑƒÒ Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
The Irish Millionaire. Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? A)Sparrow B)Thrush C)Magpie D)Cuckoo "I haven't got a clue" said Mick. "so I'll use my last lifeline and phome my friend Paddy back home in Dublin." Mick called up his mate, and told hime the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fook-in hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm foo-kin sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is, Sir." There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a Fook-in clock!"
Beautiful day here in Michigan. Got near 70. Before heading to the Irish tavern in town I went to my "office" and hit a bucket of balls. Home course opens tomorrow. Only snow on property is the 5 ft. high mound at the end of my driveway. Odds are it will snow once or twice yet this season. Still, it was nice having a gin and tonic yesterday. Jameson's today.
Nothing like coming to the table a day late, but Happy St. Patrick's day. Here's a cute joke I got off the net. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'