Father O'Malley rose from his bed one Spring morning in his new western Ohio parish where he had recently been transferred from Ireland. He walked to the window, threw it open and inhaled a deep breath of the beautiful spring air. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of the rectory’s front lawn. He promptly called the local Sheriff’s office. "Good morning. This is Deputy Jones. How may I help you?" "Top of the mornin’ to ya’ Deputy. This is Father O'Malley at St. Patrick 's Catholic Church. There's a dead jackass lying in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads over to take care of the matter?" Deputy Jones, the department’s resident jokester, thought he would have a little fun with the good Father. "Well now Father, it was always my understanding that the clergy handled the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment ..... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true Deputy; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
Walking into the bar, Mike O'Malley said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charlie, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope. In time, the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!